Rum Doings

In episode 96 of Rum Doings, the second part of our Judge Coxcombe Trilogy, we don't discuss whether Windows 8 will be Microsoft's Window's Vista, but we do contemplate whether Nick can love himself. We celebrate the remarkable hero, BushMan, remember when people liked Adrian Chiles, then look forward to seeing Eurovision in a rat-infested shed. Then things fall apart as we disagree on the colours of the days of the week. Would we teleport? How come Star Trek was so rubbish at computers? Was Ted Heath asexual? And who will be the next leaders of various UK parties?

In episode 95 of Rum Doings, we're re-joined by regular guest Judge Coxcombe. Who receives a rich welcome. There are Latin grammar lessons, book recommendations for Nick, and words for winkies. John argues against word gender, Martin talks Dick, and the loveliness of quantum mechanics. There are more book reviews, the contentious early versions of the Gospel of Mark, and how John De Lancie wrote the Bible. And are Nick and John... the same person?

Rum Doings episode 94 begins with quite the clanger! John's freshly appointed wife reveals she is carrying Nick's lovechild. (Also, we can't count and thought this would go out after the New Year.) Which is only appropriate, since this pre-recorded episode (as opposed to those we perform live in your ears) contains our offering advice to our listeners. Our rubbish, rubbish listeners. John has recently discovered the splendid podcast, My Brother My Brother And Me, and as is always the way of the great artistic minds, wanted to copy it for one week. Incorrectly stating that they no longer take questions from listeners, thus attempting to fill a gap that's already filled just fine, we begin by suggesting meeting women at refuge shelters. We are keeping it classy. How to deal with loose skin, survive a mortgage, fake your own death (and indeed get away with your own murder), things to do in the bath, how to marry cats and dogs, and then we move on to just being horrible racists as usual. We consider how much be

After losing our first start to episode 93, we attempt to begin all over again by trying to get the cardboard box burier out of jail. John explains how difficult it is to not buy a diamond ring, Australian rum that Nick pretends is nice, and there's the best bottle ugg-gugg-gugging OF ALL TIME. Nick prepares himself for Chrimbles, and then we get onto the ancient news of the idiotic reaction to Jeremy Clarkson's comments on The One Show. And then we're suddenly invaded by the potty-mouth of Nick's wife, which seems to break Nick's brain. She is the Irene Adler to Nick's Holmes. We explain why Rum Doings can never end, how John gives up on EVERYTHING, including television because of his annoying wife. And we spend some time pulling apart David Cameron's ridiculous speech, on why the King James Bible is a terrible thing, and why Christianity does not take well to being institutionalised.

Episode 92 of Rum Doings is the last one before the new year, because Nick's about to have his neck slit open by trained professionals. Please wish him well via the magic of Twitter. We don't discuss what to do now Europe is over, but we do delve deeply into the wonderful world of aural hypnosis, and parental relaxation. We learn how PCs don't want to be built. And Nick explains how the time for videogames is over. We decide the weather, miss Diana, and discover quite what a meanie the Queen is. We dismiss the financial crisis. And we learn the sad truth behind Bing.

In Episode 91 of Rum Doings we don't discuss when we're finally going to let go of our dependence on books. But instead we drink beer+coffee, and Baroness Von Greenfield, the best scientist in all the land. We celebrate how she streamlines science, and then discuss the metaphorical nature of gaming. John reveals a terrible disability, and then we discuss the problems inherent in Michael Buerk. Which takes us on to how much we hate the gays. Then to the issues of the atavistic reader, the beginnings of Rock, Paper, Shotgun, and the terrible state of Future Publishing. We then talk about the delightful late Steve Jobs, Stephen Fry, and a quick burst of phone hacking.

John would love to tell you more about what happens in Episode 90 of Rum Doings, but he has to leave. No, really - he's got a meeting in Guildford, and if he doesn't get ready to go now he'll be late. Nick is furious with John for not being better prepared and writing a fuller description of this week's episode, but really Nick should just be thankful John got it uploaded at all, and with Nick's expectations of John set so low, you'd think he'd be pleasantly surprised more often. John can tell you that we talk about the Occupy protests and the police response, as well as other topics in quick succession in a manner to which listeners will likely be accustomed. And it's all tremendously good.

In episode 89 of Rum Doings, we don’t discuss the whether there’s going to be a saviour for our scourge of bad language. But we do discuss Sesame Street, Jimmy Saville, Australian finances and what we like the least about getting married. It’s all part of our attempt to talk about positive things. John practises some misogyny, then Nick demands we talk about the thick seam of homophobia that runs through the gaming community. Which takes us onto an attempt to understand why homophobia seems to be the go-to hatred for so many groups. We establish why having things in common isn’t the ideal recipe for a relationship, monotheism, and the joy of two duvets. Then tales of hunts for passports.

Episode 88 of Rum Doings sees us wake up after a week's sleep on Nick's studio sofa. Emerging from this slumber we talk about how awful Terra Nova is, then remember that our topic isn't: Is the National Lottery just a tax on the poor? John then insults the religion of peace, and finally gets around to explaining why he's excited about nothing. New beds, Nick's daughter's ghastly guttural dialect, and the joys of intra-race racism, all cross our lips. And what does "pique" mean? Nick's determined to learn more about Minecraft, and then we remember the magic that was Rubik's Magic.

In Episode 87 of Rum Doings, Nick and John finally reconvene after a month's gap brought on by weddings, honeymoons and appendectomies. So it should come as little surprise that in an episode in which we don't discuss , we talk about weddings, honeymoons and appendectomies. New sofas, pudding wines, and goodness us, what's this? The very first ever live Rum Doings consumption of a cream tea! There's theological debate about contemporary Christian music and bishops, tales of our appendices, and screaming nurses. And then a heartfelt series of thank yous for the remarkable generosity shown by Rum Doings listeners for John's wedding. (Quick update: Debenhams have found lots of the missing items, and the throw appeared despite apparently not being paid for.)

It's an episode of Rum Doings. It's the 86th one. It has stuff in it!

Something something, something something something. Something!

Episode 84 of Rum Doings comes to you LIVE from when it was recorded, offering echoey discussions of all the most important topics of the day. Like whether we should ban printers. And honeymoons. John has to break some bad news to Nick, and then pretty much ensures he won't be having a great time on his honeymoon. Then we naturally move on to incest, and the advantages thereof. And how to continue the line of were-panthers. Then for some reason Nick brings up videogames again. Why is Chicago great? Can you take a girl out of Wolverhampton?

John and Nick discuss things with their mouths, out loud.

In an episode recorded long, long ago, in the distant past, before what the world has come to know as "Those Riots", Nick and John don't ask why they don't just fill all those potholes in? Instead there's chat about the Creation Museum in Kentucky, to which neither John nor Nick has visited. And we strike upon the reason the dinosaurs died out! Learn how to make mayonnaise, while Nick proves himself to be the new Michael Winslow, and soaks a mug of tea into John's favourite chair. We prove that eggs are magic, and then plot selling Rock, Paper, Shotgun.

In Rum Doings episode 81, we don't discuss Amy Winehouse. But we do once more brave the Tesco Value White Rum. Then John tells a long boring story about getting screwed over by a letting agency. Fortunately we then move on to Nick's criticising Rock, Paper, Shotgun. Who is the best writer there? It is John. There's a celebration of the Kindle, which inevitably brings us to the hideousness that is church bells, including some expert campanology. Then Nick has an Excellent Idea. Will Dexter attend John's forthcoming wedding? Then as everyone always likes best, we discuss a TV show at length. But it's about magic! Penn & Teller's Fool Us, for which it turns out Nick sat in the audience. Magic magic magic.

In Rum Doings Episode 80 we don't discuss whether anyone has the courage to stand up for the endangered British light bulb? But we add an extra season to the year. Then it's imperative that you contribute to this Kickstarter project, even though they've exceeded their total. It's Ironbuds. We consider our racism, homophobia, transphobia and so on. Then John lays out his plan for the Photograph From Behind service, and then of course there are some discussions of matters of the behind. But then the highlight of the episode - we read out all the magnificent suggestions we've had for our "What did the ghost say when he won the prize?" John tells a terrible story about some headmaster, and then we discuss the important subject of toilet paper, and the weeing habits of babies. More homework is set. We need answers to the following joke: What did the mountain say when he went to the beach?

In Rum Doings 78 we don't discuss who is to answer for the Olympic ticket fiasco furore. We then drink a suspicious-looking rhum, and instantly ban being foreign. We then discuss... sugar! It's going to be an award winning episode. Nick mentions this lecture. Sugar takes us to water, which takes us to how John is better than his sister. Then we move on to our greatest subject of all time, So Haunt Me. And learn of the sad death of Miriam Karlin. We both have something of a revelation of the nature of our relationships, and then ask that ultimate question: have you ever seen a ghost? No, we don't really ask that. But we do consider what we'd do if we ever thought we had. Then Nick explains to John that events he went through never took place. Are we disappointed that we'll never go into space? And plane crashes. Which brings us to Nick's specialist subject of plane safety. You get to find out why planes sound like barking dogs.

In episode 77 of Rum Doings things return to normal. Just John, Nick, a bottle of rum and a microphone. Aaaaand relax. So we don't discuss: is yet another washed out, rainy British summer the final nail in the coffin of the global warming conspiracy. There's some familiar complaining about how rubbish our listeners are, which somehow takes us into a dangerous new territory of telling jokes. This has portent. Fortunately we're diverted by Nick's exciting throat news, and then Nick ATTACKS John over how hard John works on this podcast, because Nick is a BUMFACE. We voice some thoughts on mobile phone hacking, and then get onto grammar, which takes us to Nick's education, and the books we were taught at school. Encounters of racism in childhood lead us back to horrendous jokes, and the floodgates are open.