Your Favorite Band Sucks

The suck level in Billy Joel's career was simply too much to cram everything in one episode, so Mark and Tyler came back for seconds. Since you people let this guy have somewhere close to a dozen Top 10 pop songs, quite a few of those need to be discussed at length.* Just like every great sequel, it's everything you loved about the first one... but more! The generation gap gets wider! Billy Joel gets richer and further out of touch! The ripoffs get ripped offer! We finally start the fire! *The album version of "Piano Man" is nearly six minutes long. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

When you look up the word "hack" in the dictionary, it would be really helpful if they included a picture of Billy Joel, since he is perhaps the most successful hack in the history of recorded music. Afraid listening to Elton John will turn you gay? Don't worry, Billy's tough! Wish you had the pipes to sing along with Nilsson? Simply lower your standards! Speaking of low standards for entertainment, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much fun does a night at a piano bar sound to you? If you said anything higher than 1, there's a solid chance that Billy Joel is your favorite entertainer! That sucks! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

In these trying times, it's important to focus on things that bring us together rather than tear us apart. We need to unite against a common enemy and that enemy is... Nickelback. At what point do we stop giving our neighbors in The Great White North benefit of the doubt? It can't be a coincidence that all of the worst music comes from Canada, can it? Rush, Celine Dion, Leonard Cohen. It's like, what are you people doing up there? You know you're not supposed to eat the yellow snow, right? Anyway, once we opened up our Apple Podcast reviews to requests, one band kept popping up again and again. We figured everyone could use a win right now, so... You wanted it, you got: Nickelback Sucks! P.S. Since we love you so much, we went ahead and filmed the recording session for this one. Find us on YouTube if you want to watch us make the show! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

Is this a band or a sect of Mormonism that worships The Internet? You do kind of want to admire these kids for trying to wage war against music journalists but they should pick on someone their own size next time if they wanna win. Maybe a class of fifth-graders? Also, how is this band NOT from Portland, Oregon? The official soundtrack of taking a book with you to the bar so everyone knows you plan on being smart someday: Arcade Fire sucks! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

Remember when everyone asked the left half of a human evolution chart to create the Biff's Notes version of a Moby Dick audiobook? Yeah, neither do we. Mastodon sucks. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

Oh, hey, it's everyone's favorite soundtrack to a comic book series! Which, turns out, is nobody's favorite soundtrack to a comic book series because that isn't a thing anyone wants and this entire idea is terrible. Look, we're all about escapist fiction. Your life is trash. We get it. But when it reaches the point of slaughtering babies in outer space, you've maybe escaped a little bit too far. Grab a seat and strap in as Mark and Tyler take you to the moon and back to learn how much Coheed and Cambria sucks. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

You wanted it, you got it! Well, okay, maybe you didn't want it but there have certainly been enough idiots who said "Oh YeaH? WHat aRE SoMe oF UR guYs FaVRitE BaNDz?" to justify a Top 10 Albums of the Decade Mini-Episode. Here that is. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

OK Boomer Punks, make sure your bifocals are clean because today's episode takes a clear-eyed look at probably the most influential ska band of all time, The Clash. Songwriting, singing, musicianship, ethics - apparently none of these were requirements for becoming legends back in the '70s, as long as everyone thought one of your album covers was cool. It's true, you were lied to and that's not right or fair but we're here to fix it. Please consult a doctor before listening if you take blood pressure meds. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

It's the least wonderful time of the year! Those of you who've been with us from the beginning know we aren't about to let a holiday season come and go without another attempt to end the single worst genre: Christmas music. It all sucks... It's all bad... But we have the antidote! Just to make sure it's been attacked from every possible angle, Your Favorite Band Sucks comes back once a year for another episode about how much Christmas Music sucks. This year, Mark and Tyler raise their glasses (and middle fingers) to "12 Days of Christmas," Justin Bieber, Charles DICKens, caroling and more. Horny Christmas songs? You bet. Country Christmas songs? They're here. Metal Christmas songs? Hell yes. You must be thinking, "Dang! This sounds like the best thing to ever happen for everyone who hates Christmas music!" You're right, it is. And anyone who doesn't like it can get kicked straight in the jingle bells for all we care. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

Ever ask yourself why Depeche Mode is always the favorite band of people who've ruined your whole life? Wonder no more, friends and neighbors! A day of healing is upon us! The thing is: there's a fundamental problem with every Depeche Mode song. Today, Mark & Tyler strap in to gently explain what's going on here. A lot of people are gonna learn a lot about themselves in this episode but, don't worry, you won't need a safe word. Repeat after us: Depeche Mode sucks... Depeche Mode sucks... Depeche Mode sucks... --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

Long before the San Francisco Bay Area decided to destroy Western civilization using Silicon Valley's latest social media apps, they tried destroying us with insipid arena rock. Fair's fair, the band Journey has the best singer of probably anyone that's been featured on our show so far (and a lot of their album covers were pretty sick) but not even the golden throat of Steve Perry can keep this chrome-plated spaceship on course. From "Wheel in the Sky" to "Faithfully," "Don't Stop Believin'" that Mark and Tyler are prepared to do whatever it takes to keep you from choosing any of Journey's Greatest Hits on your next visit to the karaoke bar - even if that means singing every last Journey hit themselves... Journey sucks! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

The only reason they named this band Slipknot is because "Hot Topic" was already trademarked. Look, all we're saying is if you made music and it was this bad then you'd probably want to hide behind a mask, too. Does it seriously take nine people to suck this hard? How many shows did they do with eight members before deciding it just didn't suck enough and they had to throw in one more? They could have gone all the way to ten, except this is mall metal for people who lose fingers in firework accidents and can't count that high. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

Ah, yes, the band that changed the lives of everyone who saw the worst movie of The 2000's, which also happened to be one of the most widely viewed movies of the decade due to the fact that everyone between the ages of 18 and 45 was evidently a total moron in The 2000s. Why should anyone care now? Well, how exactly do you think we got in this mess? This is how. The Shins don't just suck. They sucked so hard and made so much money doing it that every indie band fell all over themselves to follow in their footsteps, buy glockenspiels and get every TV/movie/commercial sync deal they could. This is the way a genre ends. Not with a bang but with a whimper. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

Never have fans. Trust us, you'll regret it. For some reason, there are a lot of people who see a podcast about their terrible taste in music as an invitation to contact the hosts and, y'know, say things... Yeah, it's pretty inexcusable behavior but, since we don't seem to be able to put a stop to it, we may as well share some of the best/worst specimens. Here's the first YFBS mini-episode! Mark and Tyler give their no-holds-barred, completely uncensored responses to fan mail. (And, let's be clear, every e-mail we get is fan mail, especially the rage-fueled, typo'd-at-3am-half-drunk-in-your-underwear emails. You're a fan. We don't like it either but you're a fan. Deal with it.) Enjoy! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

Clint Eastwood should sue these clowns. Anyone remember when cartoons were for kids and nobody on the planet would dream of confusing the soundtrack with, you know, music? Gorillaz make albums for adults who still eat bowls of cereal for breakfast. The favorite band of Eloi everywhere. It's offensive that anyone thinks we're supposed to take this seriously. Gorillaz suck. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

Alright, here's your proof. Oasis is hard evidence that talent and work ethic have nothing to do with "making it" in music. If millions of people bought this, they'd buy anything. Liam Gallagher is maybe the worst singer that's been discussed on our show so far. Noel Gallagher has probably been sued for plagiarism more times than Madonna. It's a miracle he's never tried to pass off "Mary Had a Little Lamb" as an original composition. BONUS: every single jerkoff cover of "Wonderwall" that you've ever had to hear is this band's fault. But, hey, we'll admit the Gallaghers seem like very nice guys! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

You'd think a band with this many songs about drugs could be more than a one-hit wonder but that's just how much Queens of the Stone Age sucks. Someone should invent time travel just so we can send these guys back to prehistory for more guitar riffs. Queens fans think it's impossible to dislike this band. Press play. We'll show you how it's done. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

From a music business standpoint, here's a textbook example of what not to do. Those of you who remember how this all went down (and, boy, did it go down), you know why this hilarious history lesson is necessary, even though The Strokes never actually did a single thing that mattered, one single thing to deliver on the hype fabricated around them. Just like they requested, The Strokes are well on their way to ultimately being forgotten. Dig out your fave vintage t-shirt that you bought on eBay and wear it one more time while we take this little trip down memory lane... --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

Phil Collins sucks so much that it almost feels mean to make fun of him. But we are mean, so who cares? We'll admit that it's honestly pretty impressive how much of a douchebag this guy is but that's not enough for us to excuse the sheer amount of terrible music he's created. If the only song he ever made was "In the Air Tonight," then he'd probably still deserve an episode because that's among the actual worst songs that has ever been made by anyone. And that's only one Phil Collins song. It's terrifying to consider how many more episodes of this podcast we could make about him but that's only to be expected when Ringo Starr is the only drummer in history who is more overrated than Phil. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message

This is the best Canada can do, huh? You know what? Have this one back. No, no. We’re fine. Honestly. Yes, you seem very polite but you're clearly trying to convince us that Rush is something other than a Trojan horse to brainwash Americans into acting like even bigger jerks than normal. Get someone smarter than an 8th grader to write the lyrics next time, thanks. The only thing we're still wondering is why anyone thinks any member of this band is great at their instrument. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yfbspod/message